whispers in the dark | Connor

[tarquin finley ellis]

It was one of those 'why the fuck is this happening to me' weeks. Week and a half? Quinn didn't know and it wasn't all that easy to keep track of the days right now. Most of the past days were blurry. He's been avoidant for the most part, or in a drug induced nearly comatose state. It's easier not to think about everything, though he knows the purpose of taking time if for that purpose. To figure out what he wants. Yet Quinn just feels pulled apart at the seems. He doesn't want to feel this confused, this torn, but he does. There's no escaping it. No way out that will do any good. It's pain that he doesn't even want to admit to himself. And internal conflict on who he is and who he has been; who he'll become. Right now he doesn't know and isn't sure he wants to.

And it's exhausting. He can't even deal with being near his own dormroom because he's just sure Makism won't be very far away. Quinn simply cannot manage that right now. So much for asking for space, but he supposes that a part of him understands it. That doesn't make it easier though. Quinn's depending on having that time to think without the constant pressure and breathing down his neck. It's what is driving him away more and more. It's keeping him from feeling comfortable in his own bed. He can lock the door, but even that can only hold back so much. It wasn't enough. Quinn was starting to crack under the pressure.

It had led Quinn to moving quickly and silently down the hallways until he found the mutation area, wondering if anyone was really up this late or not. Didn't much matter, it wasn't going to stop him at all. Pausing at the specific dormroom, he managed to open the door quietly and sneak in. There was a moment of pause when he noticed the dormmate's bed (with or without said dormmate in it?), and Quinn's skin prickled in agitation, but he ignored it and moved on. There was a faint smile curling at his lips when he found Connor sleeping, and Quinn carefully curled right in next to the male and closed his eyes with a silent yawn. He felt more calm already.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor had had a rough few days, hadn't got anywhere with Deacon so things going that way had been put on hold. He had seen Quinn around, talked once or twice... but Quinn had found his loved one. Connor wasn't sure why he had been hurt by such a thing, but he'd secluded himself, begun to stash more drugs, return to cutting since his stitches had been removed.

It was all so confusion, he had told himself not to get attached, not to worry. And yet Quinn's words of being there for him continuously ran through his head.

His roommate for the night was being held in a cell after testing, so Connor had the place to himself again. He had been terribly sick all night, was curled under the blankets, his chest rising and falling with panting breaths. Connor had learned how to sleep lightly however, since his father so often took advantage of him, and he tensed some as somebody crawled into bed next to him. At first he brushed it off as Ashley getting scared again, then his half asleep mind registered that Ashley wasn't here. Blue eyes flickered open and he drew in a swift breath. But the face that met his....

Connor couldn't really decide what to feel. He reached out, finger brushing the other male's cheek as if afraid he wasn't real. "H-hey..."

[tarquin finley ellis]

Things were messed up, he wasn't going to pretend otherwise. He had to deal with that, and he would; eventually. Right now he wasn't in the right state of mind to do much thinking over the issues in his life that he had to settle. Quinn doesn't really know how Connor feels about how things had changed, but the conversations had been short since Makism had returned. Quinn still wanted to be there for Connor, yet it had been difficult just being around the male these days. It was more of a struggle for Quinn then he'd wanted to admit to anyone.

Perhaps it was all too obvious when he'd snapped finally and agreed that Makism backing off for awhile was the best thing. So far there hadn't been much good done in the days that followed that, but Quinn hadn't been able to just think it all out. He'd decided to just throw himself into a drugged state. It had worked out well enough until the drugs had started to take their toll on him. Quinn had been forced to stop before something worse happened to him because of it all. And there was the fact that being so messed up wouldn't help him keep to what he'd needed; making his own choices.

But this, being in bed next to Connor had allowed his mind to find a moment of peace. Weird, probably, considering the fact that Connor didn't exactly breathe in a normal rhythm, but for some reason even that was comforting for Quinn. Just because he didn't have to worry. At least for right now. However, he could feel the tensing of the body beside him, and his eyes opened again. He hadn't ment to wake Connor, but again it was understandable that even the slightest movement might wake such a person as this male. When those blue eyes opened, Quinn looked back, his gaze a little unsure. At the touch he gave a sad little smile. "Missed you...." He responded very softly.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor swallowed. "Yeah.." He whispered, eyebrows furrowing at his own comment. But he didn't know what to say, terrified of stepping out of place. He didn't want Quinn mad at him for assuming things, like he had with Deacon...didn't want to break what little they might even still have going for them. Connor knew nothing of the things Quinn might have told to the guy who he seemed to be so in love with. But for now he just...wanted him to be here.. wanted to enjoy him here while he could.
He reached out, hugging himself closer to Tarquin and burying his face in his chest. He had no words, still so confused on what he could say. And that scared him; the idea of actually being hurt by another, after he had so often told himself to avoid feelings towards others.

[tarquin finley ellis]

Quinn heard the word and studied Connor's face thoughtfully, wanting to know what was going on in the male's mind. Crawling into Connor's bed after everything was probably the least the male had expected, but Quinn felt safe here. He can't really explain any of that right now, but it's true enough. As for what he's told Makism about Connor? A few things, certainly. There are things that cannot be avoided, and Quinn has found that it's better to just get out with it sooner rather then later. Yet it comes down to it, even if Quinn was outright with what he's done.. Makism hadn't been. The act itself is understandable, but hiding it wasn't. Quinn had expected more, even if he was dealing with his own inner turmoil, he'd been honest about things.

Yet he had been careful as well. Connor's name hadn't been brought up, Quinn was too protective for that. And he'd made it clear that Makism was not to harm Connor if ever more information was found out to pinpoint the male. And Quinn knows better then to think that will stop anything. He knows far too much now. Honestly, it worries him. Adding it all up, and Quinn just couldn't handle everything. He's changed. For some reason that was a damning thing for what he'd once had. It actually stunned the hell out of him, but he wasn't sure what it ment when everything finally settled into place. Quinn was lost in a big way; torn in two. It was the most confusing thing he'd ever had to face.

He doesn't know how to feel about Connor's silence after the first word, and Quinn has to wonder if the male will end up sending him away. He would deserve that, he supposed, but he hoped that wouldn't happen now. Not when he needed Connor near the most. And then the male had reached out, hugged close. Quinn's arms wrapped carefully around Connor as the male buried his face in Quinn's chest. His heart fluttered at the actions, and he nuzzled quite happily into the hair at the top of Connor's head. "I don't want to lose you...." He all but sighed the words, needing to say it out loud for himself maybe more then for Connor.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor drew in a wavering breath at the sigh of words that passed Tarquin's lips. 'But you don't want to lost hm too.. You're going to hurt me like everyone else has...' Oh no, Connor didn't dare let those word pass his lips, didn't even let them linger on the tip of his tongue. He would never say such blunt things with another close enough to harm him, let alone in his bed. He just kept his face buried while he tried to swallow back emotion, not sure where it had come from in the first place.

He reached to fix his sweaty pajama bottoms before finally lifting his head away from Quinn's chest so he could search his face. He kept his arms around him, cuddled up close. But he couldn't shake that confusion and hurt no matter what. "I-I told you...you'd f-find who you love..." He picked his wrords carefully, could not handle another fight over relationship like he had with Deacon. "I..." Finally confusion, anger, hurt, that loss for words, it all decided to rush down in gentle tears.

[tarquin finley ellis]

Quinn heard the way Connor took a breath at his words, and he wondered what it ment, what the male wanted to say. Quinn could tell that Connor was holding back; he wasn't stupid. Yet it was the male's choice to say or not say whatever was on his mind, even if Quinn was dying to know what it was. It took all he had to hold his tongue and not ask, to just let it go until Connor wanted to talk about it. He continued to rub lightly over the male's back, alternating between that and the feathered wings after a moment. He needed to be here right now, even if that ment he had to talk about these things first. Even if he'd been trying not to think about it.

Quinn noted the way Connor fixed the pajama bottoms and bit his bottom lip. "Am I too warm?" His eyebrows furrowed, trying to judge the level of heat from his skin, hoping he wasn't making it too uncomfortable. He didn't realize he'd been doing it, if he had been. Still, Connor hadn't moved away from him, so that had to mean something, right? Or Quinn was hoping for too much again. And then the words came and he stared at Connor for a few seconds before replying; "People change, Connor...." He searched the male's face as well. Then he saw the tears. "Do you really think I'd be in bed with you if he had all of my heart? Or even if I were in a confirmed relationship with him?" Quinn shook his head, fingers caressing at Connor's face. "I actually didn't think you even cared..." He finally whispered, looking uncomfortable.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor had shaken his head at the question about heat, explained he had just beensick, had a fever all night. If anything he felt cold.
But now he was reaching to wipe at his tears, his thin fingers brushing Quinn's own. Blue eyes glimmered with uncertainty, fear.
"I d-do.." He rasped. "O-..I dunno... I'm c-confused a-a-and afraid of being hurt again and I dunno what to th'think..." And he didn't, had absolutely no clue. Sniffling, he rested his head near Quinn's chest again.

[tarquin finley ellis]

With the heat thing being explained away -- it wasn't him, which made him feel better -- he stopped holding back the warmth quite as much, not wanting Connor to be cold. Quinn would just have to watch himself with the heat thing, but normally it regulated out pretty well. He was relying on the fact that it would do that now while he was here with Connor. Not too warm, but not cold, either. Of course there was worry that the male had been sick all night as it was, but Quinn knew there wasn't much he could do by now. Just be here.

Quinn hurt just to watch the tears, and he wasn't sure if what he was saying only made it worse, hurt Connor more. It wasn't what he'd wanted or intended to do. He just needed to finally get it out, and to understand more. Quinn looked at Connor with an open -- and worried -- gaze, and looked a little bit strained at the words from the male. There was silence after Connor finished speaking and rested his head at Quinn's chest again. Quinn wasn't sure what to say. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm sort of in the same boat, you know... I'm not good at sharing these feelings, yet here I am..." The words were soft, uneasy.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor drew in quick breaths, his chest still feeling tight. He didn't say anything for several moments after Quinn spoke again. Once more he had no words he could use. He had told the male he did care, and his tears had to be showing he was telling the truth. He hated crying so much, hated being weak. He felt like that's all he ever was. There was so much that Quinn still didn't know.. Yet he'd come here, curled up in Connor's bed. Maybe they shouldn't have even been talking about it, just enjoyed the time they had. Connor didn't' know how long it would last.

"You-..I told m-myself I wouldn't get h-hurt again.." He choked in a broken whisper. "Y-you shouldn't have to choose between the g-guy you're i-i-in love with, and m-me.." His voice went somewhat bitter, as usual blaming only himself. Hating himself...

[tarquin finley ellis]

There was enough that they did not know about each other. So many things, and yet how much of it would really matter in the end? Would change anything? The past, well, it was gone now. Things happened, life changed. It was a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but in some ways Quinn was finally learning just how difficult all of this could be. He knew he cared about Connor, and at this point he was aware that the male cared in some way about him, too. But the fear of pain, of being hurt again was holding them both back. But there would always be pain. Quinn realized that.

He was calm in those minutes that Connor had taken without speaking, or at least Quinn was trying to be calm. The emotional roller coaster wasn't easy, and he had been trying to avoid it the past few days. There was no escape, so might as well get it over with; this part of it, anyway. There was no knowing how long this would last. Wasn't that the terrible part of it all? About caring? Because Quinn still knows that Connor's sick, that there was a timer on this no matter how one looked at it. The question might only be which gets to hurt over it all.

The words had come, and Quinn felt somehow empty for a few seconds, just letting those words tumble around in his mind. Quinn just held to Connor, trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. "First of all, my choice with him is based on a lot of other things too. I'm not exactly the same person I was when I'd been with him. It's complicated." He just shook his head with a sigh. It was hard to explain, it really was. And then there was the other thing. "As for getting hurt? It's going to happen. To one of us, to both? I don't know. I'll break or you'll die or we can't deal, but in the end there's no getting around pain. It's bleak, but is that enough to cut yourself off and not care at all?" The words were even, with feeling. "I already care about you, so I'm fucked either way." There was a sad, wry little half smile.

[connor crayze sykes]

Complicated.. That was one he had heard plenty. He sniffled softly, teeth gritting to try and stop the tremble of his jaw. "I--it was enough up until now, Quinn..I-... I c-can't handle anymore pain, it'll b-be the end of me..guess th-that's the irony. I get h-hurt, I'm done..If not, I'm f-fucked anyway.." He reached out, hand sliding to the side of Quinn's neck as he searched his face through blurred vision. "I-..I don't want y-you to go through that either though..nobody sh-should care about somebody wh-who might not even wake u-up to another day.."

It was the truth, he didn't know when his body would just give up, when it would be too weak to continue. He played with the hair at the nape of Quinn's neck. "We h-have to make our choices event-tually... but tonight, let's j-just pretend it doesn't matter.."

[tarquin finley ellis]

His gaze shifted away, lips in a thin, unhappy line. He'd already messed this up enough, and it was hard listening to the words, the meaning behind them. He closed his eyes, feeling the pain. "So I've already done enough damage.... And I should go now before it gets worse?" The words were low, and he opened his eyes again to look at Connor; feeling the touch to the side of his neck. He shivered at that, listening to what the male was saying after that and sighing. "No, it's-- it's fine. I get it. I already know what it's like, and if you have to push me away.... I understand." He responded softly.

It hurt to say it, but he had to. It wasn't as if Quinn didn't know what he'd been getting into, because he was aware of it. Hadn't his words said as much? And he knows that he's screwed either way, so might as well just get it over with. Still, all he wanted was to think that it wouldn't be so bad for a little while. More words and he tilted his head to the side. "Pretend?" There's a level of pain in the word as he repeats it, but he nods anyway. "Okay. For you, tonight..." He takes a breath, and resolves himself to that; snuggling in and holding Connor to him, just letting the male decide what was next.

[connor crayze sykes]

"No...for y-you.." Connor whispered in his ear. "I d-don't want to push you away, Quinn.." He hesitated, then gently kissed his jaw. "I just..I don't want you reg-gretting i-it later when I'm gone. You des-serve better than that." He hugged the other male a little closer, his body trembling. But it had been all night.

Fingers threaded through Tarquin's hair slow and gentle, Connor's heart racing. He was worried he would be the one getting pushed away now, that if he fell asleep, Quinn would be gone when he awoke. It was amazing how quick things could change, how it happened when you least expected it. "I just..want y-you to be mine only, f-for at least tonight.."

[tarquin finley ellis]

He swallowed at the words whispered in his ear, not sure if that made it worse or not. What if he didn't want to pretend? Yet he wouldn't say that, he wouldn't bring it up right now, no. If this is what he got, then he was going to take it and deal with it later. All that came with it. Still, he was more and more confused as Connor spoke. The male didn't want to push him away? Then why did the things he say all point to that? Again there are words, and he tilted his head back enough to peer at Connor; feeling the trembling more. "I don't regret it, you. Why would I regret it later? Don't you think I'd cherish the memories I have?" The words are gentle, they needed to be said.

The fingers through his hair felt good, and he leaned into the feeling. Yet it was the last words that got to him, and he allowed a smile. "Would you like to mark me as yours, little angel?" He asks softly, moving to expose his neck for Connor. Any other marks had faded away by now, and it was curious, the idea of the male marking him. Quinn had no idea what else Connor had planned or wanted out of tonight, but he was interested to find out.