[OPEN] forever unforgiven

[tarquin finley ellis]

He couldn't tell you just how long he'd been moving, practising. He could get caught up in it for a long time, truth be told. It was an escape, one of the very few that he had anymore, and so he gave into it. It was something that could ground him, could make it all easier for those minutes that he was going at it. And right now it was helping, making him forget all the horrible things about life, about this place and what he had lost. He was tired of hurting, tired of living like this, feeling so broken and only half here at all. It was why none of the testings really mattered to him. He wasn't scared, didn't even mind if they ended up killing him after all. There wasn't much left to fight for anymore. He just...did.

Finally, Quinn had stopped, stretched a little to work it off and get out any kinks that were still there. Then his gaze settled back on the male settled in the corner, drugging up. He frowned a little at the state of the guy, sighing at the half dead look the male had going on right now. The guy had looked bad enough coming in, before the recent drugs. Now? Worse, and Quinn had no interest in watching someone OD. That wouldn't really look very good, would it? He sighed, moved over to the male and slipped the needle from the guy's arm and letting it fall, then Quinn gave a light swat to the male's face. "Hey, let's try not to die while I'm in the same room, alright? I have a record as it is." He grumbled, stepping back again to peer at the guy; pensive.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor rose his head slowly, eyes opening to peer hazily at the male. A weak smile passed his lips, barely aware of it. "W-we both do." Connor's record was long. "But maybe I-I wanna die," He slurred, swallowing. Shifting his weight, Connor reaching for the needle, wishing the cocaine was stronger. He turned it over in his hands thoughtfully. He reached for the pills again. The guy couldn't stop him if he just downed them all...
Connor looked down at them brokenly. He was so lost and broken... He didn't even know what to do with himself anymore.

[tarquin finley ellis]

An eyebrow was raised, a bemused smile at his lips at the male's reply. He moved to sit next to the guy, leaning back but reaching out to give a light tug to the male's hair. "Yeah. Let's hope you aren't as sick as I am."The words are bland, but his expression doesn't change, not at all. The other words just make him thoughtful. "Why?" Might as well ask. Quinn won't talk him out of it, not really. "Also, whatever the reason, can't you come up with something a little more creative then OD'ing?" He rolls his eyes at the idea. It was far too common here. Boring.

Still, if the guy wanted to take all the pills, shoot up the rest of what he had, then Quinn wasn't going to stop him, wouldn't try to take the stuff away. He would rather not be in the room when it happened, but it was just drugs, and certainly not any of Quinn's m.o.'s so why would it be connected to him in the first place? Not a sexual crime, not beaten to death... Not his thing. Quinn was much more hands on than forcing a needle into someone's arm or pills down a throat.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor shrugged, setting the bottle back down. "Bec-cause I'm sick, alr-ready dying..h-have nothing left.. I guess I-I wanna go out my own way, ins-stead of suffering every day, s-some days so bad I c-can't get out of bed.." He let out a shaky breath. "I-I've tried unimagineable ways, my f-father's tried to off me, too." He laughed bitterly. "Guess I-I-I don't care nomore.. As long as i-it gets done... But..I h-have to tell my little sister some how...have to tell her goodbye.." It was the only reason he wasn't dead yet. He didn't want to slowly die off, his organs already shutting down. He just wanted to go. He was tired of hurting....

[tarquin finley ellis]

He listened to what was being said, just soaking it all in with careful eyes. He doesn't really feel bad for the guy; people suffer all the time. Calan suffered, and yet death had never been a goal for him, had it? At least Quinn had never heard a word of it. He'd have pitched a fit if he had, honestly. One part of what this male said caused a 'why of course' sort of sound from him. "So your dad's a dick too. Isn't life grand?" There was a little more feeling in those words then any other, but not by much. He doesn't say any more on the matter. There isn't a reason for it.

He reaches out, running a finger over the male's cheek lightly. He really did need to stop thinking of the guy as some lost little puppy, but it had just seemed to stick in his mind that way. "What are you dying from?" There's so many things it could be, but it might be more understandable if he knows the cause, what it was that pushed the male to this; to wanting death. "I could snap your neck. Wouldn't be the first, and it'd be quick." There's no excitement, nothing. Deadpan voice, he doesn't feel anything remembering it; what's he's done.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor nodded at the first question, biting down on his lip. He heard the change in the voice of the male. The touch however surprised him, brought hesitance. Even so, his eyes closed briefly, it offered a brief moment of longing for even the simplest of friendships, just somebody who cared. That was a wish he was terrified would never be fullfilled. "Uh..Vasculitis, dam-mage from hepatitis bef-fore i got it taken care of. I've sh-shown signs of heart murmur, they don't e-even know what the fuck's wrong anymore. I j-just...I hurt all the time.." His voice wavered, he couldn't help it, and a hand ghosted over his abdomen with the thought. "C-can't even eat without getting s-sick anymore." And then the guy made an offer without a change in voice. "You c-could.." He agreed quietly.

[tarquin finley ellis]

He noticed the hestitation from the male at his touch, but also the closing of eyes. More and more like a lost puppy. It wasn't helping things. At least he knew the guy was bullshitting about a few different comments from before, but it didn't matter. He'd let the male keep up with the pretenses. Not his business to contradict anything that had been said. Quinn's felt something like it, there's no point in denying that, even to himself. Either way, he's quiet as the male speaks, tells him what's going on. Seems like a lot of things, and Quinn's actually partly amused at the way the guy explains the hepatitis is gone now. Should he read into that?

For now he moves on, pushing the thoughts away. Quinn should not do any of those things. Shouldn't even think it. His gaze shifts away from the guy's face. "My brother has a heart condition. Needs a transplant, hooked up to this little box... poor kid..." It's offhand, the way he speaks of Calan. As if Quinn's already written the kid off. It isn't like he'll see Calan again anyway. He wouldn't want to get that close to the family if he did have a chance at leaving this place, anyway. He peers back to hear words of the male not being able to eat, thinking. "Maybe they'll be able to fix that here. I don't really know, but I suppose if they have a way to keep you around longer, to keep using you..." Honestly, that didn't sound worth it. Quinn doesn't comment back about the snapping of the guy's neck, doesn't make a move at all.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor listened to him, simply nodding. The cocaine was driving him back down into indifference. "S-sorry, He stammered, tilting his head back against the wall again. He glanced over at the other male, felt like they could relate in many ways, despite being so different. But as desperate as he was to actually find some sort of..acceptence, he was still lacking in trust.

He drew a knee up quietly, resting an arm around his torso again loosely before scratching at his arm. He was content, numbed up enough now, perhaps maybe a little too much. He lifted his left hand, fingers tracing his throat before a bitter smile passed his lips. "My f-father beat me one day..a-and I told him to put me out of my m-misery. He slit my thr-roat. Not sure who c-called the ambulence. I woke u-up in the hospital three weeks l-later. Fucking alive."

[tarquin finley ellis]

He shrugs. There's nothing to be sorry for, life just is. Not always nice, and shit just happens. To some more then others, and in a various ways. Nothing was going to change, the world would always be this way. Quinn accepted it. He was lost in his own thoughts for a few moments, just letting the silence drift on. Quinn lacked trust, but honestly, what did that even matter? There was little anyone could do to really hurt him, there weren't many people that could even get that close. There is so much he can do without letting anyone actually in. He may lack trust, but he also lacks worry over that very thing.

It's the way the male traces his throat that catches Quinn's attention, and he hears the words. No shock registers on his face. Quinn knows very well that a normal person would have been shocked to hear such a story, but it doesn't alarm him at all. Were they trading sob stories? Fucked up stories? Well, sure, Quinn could play that game. He couldn't even hold onto any shame for those things anymore. Oh he knows it's sick; he doesn't pretend otherwise. It's just... meaningless. "I started fucking my older brother when I was thirteen. Went on for a bit before he decided he wanted to fuck girls... I had a very violent mental breakdown, got sent to an asylum before this place... My ego's a bit fragile, I suppose." He shrugs with a 'what-can-you-do' expression. "A little over a week after coming here he tried to get me to take him back. I let him give me a blowjob, then I snapped his neck while he was still on his knees... You know, while we're talking about fucked up things...." His tone was even, and he stared off for a moment.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor blinked. He wasn't phased so much by it as he should have been. No, he'd seen the fucked up side of the world, had been a part of it. And it wasn't the guy sleeping with his own brither that had him tensing briefly, it was the abuse that came with it at the end. Sexual abuse was Connor's biggest fear, mainly with men. At the same time however, here he had been selling himself on the streets. He could get into his own brother's death, how an attempt to prove Connor didn't have to be addicted had led to Adam picking up HIV from a used needle. How Connor had opened his mouth, and just to save him, Adam had blown his brains out in a game of russian roulette. How Connor had sat for hours holding his dead body and his mom had died in a car accident coming to get him. He could list things on and on. How he'd gone to juvy for beating a kids face in and leaving him perminently disabled. How, how, how.
And no matter what, it simply came down to this, now, just the two of them. Trading pointless, fucked up stories. Why? Neither showed enough emotion to care. But that ability to speak of such things to another without being judged? Maybe that was the reward. Maybe this kid, without even knowing it, had simply added a few more minutes to the life Connor wanted to end so bad. Because right now he was more equal than he was ever treated. Relateable. Here, saying he wanted to kill himself, he was not being stopped. He looked at the other male a moment, just straight enough in the head to understand such a concept. "The world will never stop being f-fucked up. Sometimes, no matter h-how meaningless, even fucked up i-is enough for two guys thinking i-it couldn't get any lower."

[tarquin finley ellis]

Dispite his true nature on it all, Quinn had always been quite gentle with Roman. Even the snapping of his brother's neck had been mercifully quick and painless. It wasn't as if Roman didn't have his own share of wounds, and Quinn got that, understood it. Their father had beaten Roman -- Quinn knows, he's stitched the wounds -- and Roman had just needed someone to care. Quinn had given everything, and it hadn't been enough. He has his father's temper, the need for a physical outlet. Yes, he's more like Amery then he cares to say. And he doesn't like it, but it's the truth.

He doesn't go on, doesn't list more because there wasn't a point. If there was, it's already been made and it doesn't mean a thing. It's interesting to not be judged for the words, but it's not like any judgement could wipe it all away, make him feel worse on the matters. It can't. If it could, he'd never have said it in the first place, would he? No. He hears the words and there's a quick little smile curled over his lips. "Sweet baby... anything can get lower." He murmurs. It's not mocking though, just words. He reached into his pocket, takes out another cigarette and places it between his lips, brushing a fingertip over it, letting it catch fire briefly before drawing the smoke in, then exhaling slowly; leaning his head back against the wall.

[connor crayze sykes]

connor knows the words are true despite himself. At this point it doesn't matter. He's content, okay with just sitting here despite where they are at, what might happen next. When the guy lit a cigarette, the smoke brought even more of a calm. Something said he wouldn't hurt him despite the stories they had just traded. For once he disn't need to worry. No, perhaps nobody here would ever be intimately interested in him. Maybe this guy here would never even be a friend. But he could at least call them accquantences. And if not, they would just remain two guys trading stories in an empty gym. Two guy who could relate anout the world around them, about their tempers and their pasta, both on a quest for something else. Maybe they would never even criss paths again, matbe Connor would die tonight. Perhaps they were just a crossrode in each others life. Either way, right now, he wasn't so astray.

[tarquin finley ellis]

Nothing really has to happen, and that's the beauty of it all. They can sit here for awhile and then part ways and that's all it has to be. Quinn doesn't need friends, and what's more; it's better for others that he doesn't have them. There isn't really any such thing as friends to him, he'll never look at them in the same light, never think of them as on his level. It cannot work, it won't. But he's also not looking to hurt people just because, or because he thinks it's fun, because it isn't, not to him, not with strangers. He's not exactly cruel to begin with. He just doesn't care like he used to. Sometimes he just needs to let it all out.

Quinn has no real quest, nothing to look forward to. It keeps things simple, but it's also very true. Whatever hopes and dreams he had were out the window not long before he'd been sent into this place. He had adapted to all that it was quickly enough. He had to deal with all the limitations it brought. He takes another drag on the cigarette, calm and fine with the silence that has settled. The arm nearest the male reached out again, but this time to simply take the guy's hand, no comment made. For now, for these short moments in time they are the same. Locked in their own personal sort of hell, and no one's pretending it's getting any better.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor tensed at the initial touch of a hand against his own. It had been terribly long since such an action towards him had been made. Almost absently he laced their fingers together. Eyes closed gradually, content with the silence. Neither had any need to judge the other. In ways they were one in the same, and that's all that mattered. They didn't have to even make a friendship out of this, didn't have to ever talk again.

Something about this moment was all he needed, to give another chance at this day, at waiting a little longer just to say goodbye to the last loved one he had. The last person he thought he ever could love.

[tarquin finley ellis]

He felt the male tense at the touch of his hand and waited to see if the guy would pull away or not. Quinn wasn't even sure why he'd made the gesture in the first place. He'd never been a cuddly creature, not really. Still, it was nice to have a simple touch, to not worry that those hands would strike out or do any weird testing on him. Just this and nothing more. Uncomplicated. It made him smile, just a little. It felt a bit easier somehow, and that made some kind of difference. Maybe not much, but it was still something. It was surprising what even a few words could do. Unjudgemental acceptance.

He smoked in the silence, thoughtful about what had occurred in the last few minutes. It was odd, but he found it to be nice. Unsettling maybe, but there were always things to be learned in such moments as these. He peers over at the male, his gaze careful and considering. "Thanks... for reminding me that I'm still human under all the bullshit." His voice is light, and he's slightly amused. His eyes drift away again, seemingly far off until he speaks again. "You should maybe write down that stuff for that person... you know, in case you don't make it or whatever. I'd try to find a way for her to get it..." The words are low, but even. It's a sort of favor because, well, Quinn felt like the guy had done one for him in these last few minutes. That was enough.