burned paradise. // inside the mind of the coroner

[deacon reid rudman]

ENTRY #067 - 1ST OF OCTOBER

Sometimes being here with everyone else makes me wonder if I'm really any better than these crazies. I'm raising a child in a gated community with a bunch of.. less than typical people. If she even has a chance at 'normal', I doubt she'll ever forgive me for doing this to her. Not only is she probably one of the only not psychotic people here, but her closeted gay father did this to her. I guess it's really no different than what I was raised in. Only a lot less abuse and a lot more closed in spaces.

I don't know. I guess I wish her mom was still here so she'd have someone to go to even if it meant I'd never see my princess again. If PJ wasn't in here with us, I'd send her to him. Maybe she's one of the reason some of these people around here smile. If they're anything like me, they aren't exactly very happy to be here. I know I'd love to get out.

As much as I don't want Bandit to grow up in this, I can't imagine going to bed without my little red head laying here beside me with her thumb in her mouth. Or waking up without her little voice calling to me or her tiny hand patting me on the head. She's the one reason I'm here. After all the times I tried to die, she made everything a little more okay.

-D. Rudman

[deacon reid rudman]

ENTRY #068 - 9th OF OCTOBER

I thought being here was bad enough. I didn't know that forming bonds with other people was part of the process. Had I know that, I would have looked for a job elsewhere. I'm just going to live my life like I did before Kera died- like I'm a normal straight man in love with the woman he spent ten years of his life with..

I'll be the first to admit, if my brother were capable of raising my daughter to be a normal human being, I wouldn't be here right now. But I can't leave her without someone who really cares. I'm all she's got. My mom would beat her like she beat me. And I can't have my daughter live like that. She deserves the world. And if her dad has to be miserable to give it to her, that's what I'll do. I'm living for her and no one else. Fuck relationships. Fuck feelings. Just.. Fuck it. I'm done. Can I throw in the towel now?

-D. Rudman

[deacon reid rudman]

ENTRY #069 - 11th OF OCTOBER

Bandit's nowhere to be found. God knows where she is or who she's with. She usually stays in the morgue and plays with her dolls. Needless to say, the last couple days have been torture, and I don't know how much more I'm going to take...

-D. Rudman