[QUINN] Devil's Bitch

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor felt like a complete fool, getting sick like a fucking helpless child. He hated that he was crying, that he felt so utterly pathetic. He closed his eyes as Quinn got up, panting softly and listening to the other male move around before returning. And then arms were pulling him close again. Now that he could breathe a little easier --though it was stillclearly a struggle-- he was able to move a little closer. Glassy blue eyes caught that glimmer of tears in Quinn's own and he reached out to wipe at the male's cheeks with a shaking hand before burying his face against Quinn's bare shoulder, his hand resting over his heart. He needed the contact right now. "I'm s-sorry... I'm so sorry a-about everything.."

[tarquin finley ellis]

Quinn had taken the sickness part in stride; not exactly bothered by what had happened, not after he'd thought Connor died. That had been a jolt to his system, and Quinn doesn't care how much of a mess the male is right now. He's breathing, and for now that's enough. It still isn't what it had been before, it still sounds like breathing is difficult for Connor, but the male is holding on. Quinn isn't sure what this episode has done to Connor mentally, but he'd seen the fear in the male's eyes. Maybe having gone through that was enough for Connor not to want to give up so easily.

Quinn wonders if he should hope for that. If it's too much wishing. Probably. He sighs softly as Connor wipes at his cheeks, not perfectly happy at the idea that the male saw it. Just another foothold for Connor to tug him around more. The thought is unpleasent, but the concern had been very real. It was warming to feel Connor's face against his shoulder, the hand over his heart. One arm circled carefully around the male's thin waist, his other hand stroking soothingly at the feathers. Quinn heard the words. "I know." He responded quietly.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor's chest rose and fell in quick, short breaths. He was exhausted,but too shaken to sleep, numbed up enough with shock and struggle that he just sat there curled against the other. His head was spinning. It wouldn't be a first Connor had nearly died. And evey time scared him-- because it wasn't his own way out.
He wanted to go without pain, however and whenever he wished.
Not in agony... Not like this through some form of organ failure or a seizure. Not even in his sleep... Though if he had to choose naturally, he would much prefer that.

The feeling of suffocation had absolutely terrified him. He remembered a time when Jon had nearly choked him to death, when Connor finally stood uo to the bastard and screamed in his rage that he should be put out of his misery. He hadn't actually exceoted his father to slit his throat.

Connor reached for the scarred flesh at his neck with a gag as the memory washed over him. Then he retuened to hanging onto Quinn. He never uttered another word.

[tarquin finley ellis]

It's more then a little sad when Quinn realizes that in some ways he understands why Connor reaches for death. He doesn't want to think about it, but that doesn't make it any less there, less true. Yet Quinn is still not willing to let Connor go if he can help it. He can't not really, but he refuses to think about that right now. Quinn knows there is pain, knows it's a struggle for the male, and yet he selfishly wants to keep Connor alive anyway, however he can. But the waves of emotion are wearing him out, and Quinn doesn't feel at ease right now.

He's unsure how long it will take before Connor is kicking him to pieces again for this show of weakness. Revealing that he still does care in ways. He peers at the male when Connor reached to his own neck with a gag; concerned that the breathing will stop again. Then Connor was hanging onto him again, and Quinn simply held back. He fought the urge to nuzzle into the curve of the male's neck, holding still save for his fingers rubbing down the feathers of Connor's wings. "What do you want me to do?" He asks, not even given an actual direction to the question. It's simply randomly there.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor did his best to focus on the touch overhis wings instead of the searing pain in his chest or the thoughts and images in his head. He was still cold, and Quinn was like a personal heater right now, nobody else here would hold him, anyway, and right now he needed somebody most. You could only handle so much, spending most of your teenage years sick in a hospital after an attack or a drug overdose, waking up to an empty room nearly every time, no caring, worried faces to greet you.

These were things Connor didn't often tell people. But they were noticeable enough. His desperation for attention and touch despite his fear of it. Everything in Connor's life seemed to conflict, and it gave him a headache when he thought about it. His words towards Quinn weren't the only thing that took both sides. His entire life was a confusing mess like that. "J-just don't let go...".

[tarquin finley ellis]

Just silence, no answer. And that was okay, Quinn really hadn't a clue what he was even asking to begin with. It could have been about anything. It was easier to simply lay here, holding Connor and touching over the feathers. It was an oddly comforting texture under his fingers. He was trying to keep himself warm enough for the male, wondering if Connor would start getting warmer on his own soon or not. But Quinn wasn't going to complain, wasn't going to shove him away. He probably should considering the circumstances, but he was pushing all that away right now.

It's never going to be enough for Connor to accept him, but Quinn still isn't letting go. He allows the silence to go on, just listening the the difficult rhythm of the male's breathing and keeping an eye on any and all movements. Quinn should feel restless by now, but concern is keeping him in place. So he doesn't move away, doesn't even try to talk or strike up a conversation. He wouldn't know what to say anyway. And then he hears the words and bites at his lower lip. "What does that even mean? What are you asking me?" It's a wary, unsure inquiry, but when it's Connor he doesn't know and he doesn't want to grasp at things that aren't even there.

[connor crayze sykes]

"I..." Connor swallowed, trying to get enough breath to even speak further. "I dunno...I'm conf-fused Quinn..and-..and I t-terrified.. I don't l-like admitting it but I-I am...." He drew in several forced breaths, never raising his head. "I k-keep ruining things between p-people...I'm s-scared I'm gonna be a-alone...that this will h-happen and nobody will be ar-round to...care...I..." He stopped, breathless, and had to swallow again.

But this time it was too difficult to catch his breath enough to continue, and he squirmed a bit, feeling ready to pass out with the irregular intake of oxygen/

[tarquin finley ellis]

He waited as Connor started to speak, not pushing or moving but to keep his fingers smoothing over the male's feathers. He knew that Connor's breathing was off, that talking probably wasn't all too easy when the male had to focus on taking breath, too. So he simply listened to the broken sentences in silence. Quinn frowned a little when Connor stopped and couldn't go on, but he didn't attempt to get more words from the male. He just held Connor, the fingers at the male's waist brushing in light circles over the skin there.

It takes a few moments for him to gather his thoughts enough to say anything in response, but finally he does; "Are you asking me to be around to care? To be here so you don't have to be alone?" There isn't any judgement in the words right now; but he does have to ask this. If Connor admitted to him these fears, then something had to be said, right?

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor nodded brokenly, tears pooling in his eyes even though he fought to hold them back. "I-I...I'm..asking.. y-you to forgive m-me... I want y-you in my..l-l-life Quinn... I j-just... I want you to, be h-happy, be with s-someone you can h-have wholly.. But I want y-you...to-..I...I wanna know if you c-can...care 'bout..me..too.." He huffed breathlessly, reaching to wipe at his tears. "I dunno...I'm a f-fucking idiot...so-...sorry.."

[tarquin finley ellis]

His throat tightened at Connor's nod, the tears he saw threatening at the male's eyes. This was difficult to be going through as it was with all the emotional turmoil he didn't want to feel in the first place. And he was leavign himself far too open for Connor to be able to cut more holes into him. He didn't like that, but he couldn't seem to help it right now either. But he listened to what the male was saying, watching Connor wipe at tears. Quinn's fingers moved over the side of the male's face, still frowning just a little.

There was a little sigh that passed his lips, reluctant to go forward with the conversation, but having something else at the tip of his tongue. He needed to ask, he couldn't let it go. "What if that's not what I want? Couldn't you be mine? I know you can't love me, but couldn't you care enough to accept me anyway?" It was messed up to ask this, but Quinn didn't want to be shoved off on someone, even if he could have them wholly or not. Quinn felt a bit pathetic to reach for so little, but it could be enough... They didn't need to have everything.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor's jaw trembled. "I-I don't know Quinn..." He choked softly, fingers dancing over the other male's stomach. "I c-can't..give y-you what you want.. 'm t-too broken.. Y-you-..you don't want broken..." He smiled sadly, gently cupping Quinn's cheek. "I-I-...don't know why I h-have this urge to b-be near you..c-care.. It doesn't go away.." He leaned in, kissing Quinn softly. But it was short, he was too breathless. Eyebrows furrowed over blue eyes, utterly confused. "I'm j-just as scared of being h-hurt... But if he couldn't find everything he wanted in Quinn, what happened? Did he find somebody else to supply that other half? And what about people like Makism? What would he do to him?

[tarquin finley ellis]

Quinn's gaze wandered over Connor's face at the reply, but he gave no reaction to the words, though the fingers over his stomach felt good. He closed his eyes at the next words, opening them back up when Connor cupped his cheek and kept talking. Quinn accepted the short kiss without so much as a twitch, his mind going through everything that had been said. The male was scared of being hurt, yes. Quinn knew that, he'd heard it before. But he also had already spoken his own piece on that. He'd been down that road before.

His fingers find Connor's hair again, his gaze contemplative. "I can deal with broken. I'm not asking for everything, I know that's not going to happen. I accept that." The words were even, and he glanced away for a moment, then back. "I'd do what I can to keep you from being hurt. I'll hold your hand when you're scared... sleep near you when you need me to.." He was chewing at his bottom lip now, thinking. "We can sort the other stuff out... the other things you need that I don't have... It doesn't have to be what everyone else expects..." Quinn wasn't exactly label-friendly anyway.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor swallowed. But he had to ask, even if it risked him getting hit. "What a-about Makism?" He had to know, because what about he himself? This what Quinn wanted, somebody to own, possess...whether he was loved or not? Connor knew what being used for sex was like. But he wanted to be /loved/. And he was certain Quinn couldn't offer that type of love to him. He could love people like Makism, who had the ability to be just as cruel, or dominant. But Connor was afraid of that. He needed something more subtle, somebody outgoing, joyful. Somebody to be content doing nothing with. One person to love him... And maybe one to possess him. Maybe that was his problem. It was, but Connor couldn't realize it. He had become dependent on his father's abuse, being told what to do, who could and couldn't touch him...

[tarquin finley ellis]

Quinn did tense when the question was asked, and then he sighed through his nose. "I won't let him hurt you, and he'll find ways to deal." He replied with a subtle shrug. There wasn't much to say on that. Quinn clashed with Makism too much now; the Russian man had been trying to decide things that weren't his to decide at all. Quinn doesn't want cruel and dominate anymore. He doesn't want a relationship with someone that was to alike and yet so very needy at the same time. One or the other, he couldn't do both.

It's a terrible thing to think that Quinn had been trying to be the things Connor had needed, that it could have been possible to get close to that when he'd been pushed away. Makism makes him colder, and Connor seemed to mostly thaw him out. It wasn't very fair and it didn't make much sense, but there it was. Quinn doesn't want to think about this, he really doesn't. But he wants an answer, wants Connor to answer the question. He looks at the male, waiting. "Connor?" It's questioning, light.

[connor crayze sykes]

"What?" Connor choked, distracted. He couldn't think straight, couldn't pay attention. He was ready to have a mental breakdown.
Had Quinn not forced him up against that wall, Connor might have cared enough to really realize that desperation. But sex was a fragile thing with him, the trust there had been shattered, it would be a long process to try and fix between them. That wasn't something Connor could do easily.

He swallowed, shivering. Connor was horrible with choices. It was difficult for anybody to care when he played them on to try and hold out against his own hurt. He didn't know what to say. Blue eyes grew frustrated, stressed.