it's not always black and white | Connor

[tarquin finley ellis]

The movement of the wing being pulled away from him made Quinn stir a little, but he did not yet wake, simply frowning in his sleep and reaching out before letting his hand drop again. He twitched at the whimper and rolled, but still kept asleep. It wasn't until he heard the rustle of the trashbag that his eyes opened and he blinked blearily and peered around. Something was off. He glanced over, noticing the opened drawer. With that he pulled himself up and moved quickly toward the bathroom, eyes widening at the sight of Connor cutting. He moved swiftly to grab the male's wrist and pluck the razor away, tossing it into the tub. Then his hands were at the side of Connor's face; and Quinn looked into the male's eyes. "Please stop doing this..." His own gaze was drawn and worried.

[connor crayze sykes]

Eyes flicked up, swallowing guiltily as Quinn ducked into the bathroom. He gasped as the razor was pulled away, slicing up his stomach. His jaw trembled, tears continuing to fall. "I-..I'm sorry..i didn'tbkn-now what t-to do... Y-you-...you threw it a-all away...!" His body was rigid with panic and he trembled against Quinn.

[tarquin finley ellis]

He had to flinch when the blade sliced Connor's stomach, feeling horrible but needing to pull the razor away. He couldn't keep letting the male cut at himself. There was an unhappy sound in his throat at the words, and he nodded slowly. He had thrown it away, and he'd done it because he knew it could come to this, to Connor trying to use again. He could feel the panic, the way Connor was trembling against him and Quinn held him carefully, leaning to rest his forehead at the male's shoulder. "Can't you just find something to do to take your mind off it that doesn't involve hurting yourself? If I'm able, I'll take you anywhere you want to go, do anything to help distract you..." There had to be something to help...

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor swallowed. "There's nothing to f-fucking do.. I-O'm used to being h-hurt.. 's.all O e-ever was.." He coughed, boxers soaking up the blood slowly.
"'m s-sorry.."
He didn't know what to do, held Quinn's head close.

[tarquin finley ellis]

He doesn't want to hear the words, doesn't want to believe that there isn't any help to be had. He can't really deal with that. He doesn't reply to the words, but when Connor holds his head close he can feel the tears starting to fall. "I don't want you to be gone..." His fingertips are gentle along Connor's lower spine, sad to feel the bones jutting as they did. "I wish you weren't so hellbent on self destructing." His words drifted, and he took a deep breath. He doesn't know what to do, and he doesn't want to give up. Yet nothing seems to make Connor happy enough to fight, and Quinn isn't sure how much more he can do.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor sniffled. "It's h-hard... I've been on m-meth a-and other drugs thr-ree years, Quinn...." He gagged, shivered at the touch down his bony back. His thin stomach stung from the long cut up the surgery-scarred skin. "M tr-rying... I r-really am..."

[tarquin finley ellis]

It's all very messed up, all these things and Quinn is aware of that. He doesn't really know how to process it, how to manage to set anything straight. He can't. It's a terrible thing to know, but there it is. He can't untangle these things. He barely understands what is going on and yet he just has to deal with what he's woken up to. The words from Connor still keeps Quinn quiet. It makes sense, but it's harder to hear it. But Connor was trying, or at least the male thought he was, and Quinn had to cling to that fact. "I'd take it from you if I could... I'd deal with it instead of you if there was a way.... but there isn't.." And it's true. He'd take on the burden if only there was a way.

[connor crayze sykes]

"Y-you can't.." And that was that. He let go and took Quinn's hand, starting back towards the bed, tossing his jeans in the hamper. "I won't get u-up again..pr-romise.." He whispered, climbing into bed and grimacing, touching his cut stomach, pelvis. He curled on his side, cheeks damp woth fresh tears.

[tarquin finley ellis]

He said nothing to the words. He knew that. But it would be so much easier to take on that burden himself. It hurt to see Connor hurting. He wished it didn't have to be that way. He didn't pull away, just let the male take his hand and lead him back to the bed. He nodded absently at the words and watched Connor touch his stomach and curl up. Quinn stood there, just watching and then looking away, off to the side. "Am I even helping? Do I even make a difference?" He wasn't exactly saying it to Connor, mostly to himself, but the words weren't quiet by any means, just thrown out there as he stared at nothing in particular.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor frowned, looking up. "Yes... I-.. I'd be d-dead now, Quinn. If y-you hadn't been there when I r-ran into Quinn, hadn't dove a-after me when I tr-ried drowning myself, I'd be dead... You m-mkae a difference."
He rubbed at his face, sighed shakily.
"I j-just keep fucking i-it up."

[tarquin finley ellis]

He heard Connor's words, but it was like being nearly underwater. Fuzzy. But he knew what was being said, and after a few moments he smiled humorlessly over at the male. "So.. pretty much you keep trying to die a bunch and I keep trying to save you. Must be exhausting.." He commented dryly, making the last few steps to sit on the bed, feeling wary. "What happens if I'm not around the next time?" He closed his eyes, shoulders sagging a little. "I'll blame myself for not being there..." He answered. This was really the type of friendship Quinn should be avoiding, but he couldn't abandon Connor. He simply couldn't do that. It was too late now.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor scowled, laughed bitterly. "I-I didn't ask y-you to fucking babys-sit. For the record I-I haven't attempted suicide since. I did it th-then because I f-fucked your relationship up with Mak-kism and I wanted y-you two happy."
He flipped onto his other side, breaths wavering as he reached to wipe angrily at more tears, hiding his face.

[tarquin finley ellis]

He tensed up at the bitter laugh and the words, feeling the anger sweep in and settle through him. Dark thoughts were starting to come up, and he had to work to push them away and swallow down the fury that had cropped up. "And you thought dying would make us happy? It didn't sound like I would have liked that idea then, and I certainly wouldn't now." He pointed out lowly. He stood up, trembling a little. "Why don't you just tell me to jump off a fucking cliff already?" His mood was sour, and he stalked away from Connor, going into the bathroom and slamming the door. He reached for the razorblade and slid against the wall until he was sitting on the floor, placing the razor beside him on the rim of the tub and just staring at it sullenly.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor huffed. "I-I did it s-so you could be with him! Y-you loved him..."
He frowmed as Quinn stormed of, eyebrows furrowing. "Y-you're a fucking hypocrite! You tr-ried offing y-yourself in my arms o-on the goddamn bed!" He got up, threw himself against the bathroom door with a broken sob. "Y-you can't s-say that dammit.."

[tarquin finley ellis]

He didn't want to hear it. He didn't, he didn't, he didn't. He doesn't want to think of any of it, doesn't want there to be such a reason and it's too much. But the words still came, and he put his face in his hands; upset and unhappy over things he didn't remember. He flinched when Connor threw himself against the door, at the words. "Well maybe I did it so you wouldn't have to!" He spat back, curling up and holding himself, shaking a little. "You didn't want me and you tried pushing me off on someone else. Well fine! It worked now didn't it? I don't remember anything and now you can be happy! So just fucking cut the ties and tell me not to come back!" The tears were running down his face and he couldn't possibly really understand half of this.