it's not always black and white | Connor

[connor crayze sykes]

"Y-you know that's not why," Connor half growled. "Your f-fucking brother died. I s-sure didn't tr-ry dying the m-moment mine died." He opened the door, standing in the doorway and staring. "N-no, I h-held his f-fucking body in my a-arms. He looked j-just like y-you did in my a-arms a month ago, y-you don' think I didn't have f-fucking nightmares because of that? But I'm h-here, huh?" He drew in swift, shallow breaths. "Y-you don't want ties, yet y-you want me alive.why?! I'm not h-happy, Quinn. I h-hurt everyday, it f-fucking hurts to even breathe half the time. J-just asking for help was hard... When a-an animalbis s-sick you put them down, don't y-you...?" He started to cry again, leaning against the doorframe.

[tarquin finley ellis]

He rocked a little, trying to keep everything in check. His heartbeat, breathing... He squeezed his eyes shut, a strained sound in his throat, low and barely there. "There was more to it, I know there was. Had to be. Everything you've told me... It was just the last straw in a bucketful of fucking straws." He sneered, voice cracking. He didn't even look up when Connor opened the door and spoke again. Quinn didn't want to look at the male right now. He just didn't. Words that he wanted to wipe away. "I don't know! I care, okay? It's stupid and I shouldn't cause you don't, but damnit!" He tried to wipe the tears away, not answering about the animals part. They'd all be dead here if it had anything to do with how they treated animals. The animals probably got better.

[connor crayze sykes]

"Y-you're avoidong the question." He wiped at his eyes and cheeks. "Y-you know it. I've t-taken enough psychology. We c-can put any other s-suffering animaldown, but n-not each other, e-even if it's the s-same... Just..h-here me out Quinn. I said I-I would try.. I am.. J-just remember that. I'm s-suffering e-every moment, off dr-rugs or not..."

[tarquin finley ellis]

He rolled his eyes, but there wasn't much behind the action, he knew he'd avoided the question. He doesn't want to go there. But of course Connor wants to keep talking about it, and so Quinn leans his head back against the wall, hearing what Connor is saying and keeping silent for now. "What do you want me to say? It's not like I'm not aware of these things..." He sighs, tired. He doesn't want to think of the fact that Connor is suffereing; he already knows and it cuts into him enough as it was. "I'm sorry that you are suffering, I really am. But honestly, I can't really help you. I just make you more upset. I keep making you cry and I never want to see you cry. I'm a horrible friend and you don't need me." He took the razorblade and got up, waiting for Connor to move.

[connor crayze sykes]

"I do need you." Wings spread, blocking the doorway, desperate for forgiveness. "I sh-should have stayed in bed.. 'm s-sorry Quinn.." He coughed softly, wiping at his cheeks again. He eyed the razpr brokenly, then looked at his stomach. "J-just.. Come back, pl-lease.. We can go back to b-bed..I won't g-get up again.."

[tarquin finley ellis]

He blinked at the words, the wingspan blocking the doorway. He shivered, listening to Connor's words and seeing the look to the razor, to the cut on the male's stomach. More words and he sighed, setting the razorblade on the sink and moving over to Connor, hand raised to stroke his palm along the male's cheek lightly. "I can't do this, Connor. We're not playing friends and you know it. I don't want to repeat past mistakes cause we both know where that ends up... I won't let either of you do that to me again. I don't want you that close." He took a deep breath, the moved to carefully flex one wing down so he could get around it, and he simply went to settle on the floor for now.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor trembled at the touch, tilting his head, and sighed at the words. He flinched out of habit at the reach for the wings, shrinking back, watching Quinn. "I don't wanna pr-retend.. I can be better...

'I can be better, pl-lease dad!' Connor flinched, snarling at his father. 'F-fucking put me out of my misery then!'

Connor gagged, reaching for his scarred throat, where his father had slit it, put him in a coma for over a month. Yeah, he'd been down that road too...
"My f-father never gave me a ch-chqnce.. He gave up, s-slit my thr-roat, blamed suicide a-and they locked me u-up when ai woke up f-four weeks later..."

[tarquin finley ellis]

He doesn't respond to the words, he just went to the floor, eyes adverting when Connor ranted. He put his hands to his head, wanting to block it out. It made him terribly, terribly nervous. He was shaking, but still not wanting to look, to say anything. Yet when it was over, at least enough to where Connor wasn't snarling at a father that wasn't there, Quinn peered up. He listened quietly. He wasn't sure what he was suppost to do with that information. He honestly had no idea what to even say. He swallowed, feeling uncomfortable and uneasy. "I wouldn't do those things. I don't really know what you need, and I probably can't help even if I did.... but I don't want you dead." He said softly.

[connor crayze sykes]

"Y-you just want me gone." He mumbled, shrugging. "I-I'm not tryin'a h-hurt you Quinn.. I just f-feel like I'm a-a burden to everyone." He sat down slowly next to Quinn, running fingers over the cut along his stomach. "I r-really am sorry..."

[tarquin finley ellis]

He scrunched his face up, rubbing his at his eyes after closing them with a soft groan. "I don't want you gone. I just want to be less confused. I want you to feel better." Things that did not seem likely, not for a very long time. He looked away after the other words, when Connor sat down next to him. "You could light up someone's life, Connor. But you keep that from happening by feeling like that and pushing people away." He stops from saying anything else, because somewhere he knows it'll just be another arguement, or it'll go in one ear and out the other. He was just wasting breath and he knew it. "Like Kintsugi." The word just sorta pops up out of nowhere, and he falls silent again.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor sighed, nodding. It was habit. "I-it's all I've ever know towards a-anyone since the abuse s-started. It's been s-so long.."
He blinked at the next words, gazong over at the other male quietly. "Like wh-who?" He mumbled, confused.

[tarquin finley ellis]

He listens because the words will still come, and he can't shut it off, that want to know anyway. He nods at what Connor has said, frowning and chewing at his lower lip. "Maybe someday you can look past that, and then you'll be happy. I hope I'm around to see it. You deserve happiness, even if you don't believe it." He said softly, shrugging. Again, probably pointless words to speak to someone like Connor. Oh well. At the mumble from the word, Quinn laughed quietly. "It's not a who, but a what." He points out with a slight grin. "The Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold. The idea behind it is that the piece becomes more beautiful and valuable because it has been broken and has a history." Another shrug after explaining.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor couldn't help but smile. "My h-history isn't anything I'd wish o-on anyone.." But that faint smile remained. "I h-hope so too..I r-really do.." He jumped at the knock, coughing huskily, fingers curled toghtly over Quinn's hand instinctively. But a doctor opened the door and nudge Christy in before leaving again. He growled as he saw the tears on her cheeks, but she smiled past them, scampering towards him. "Bubba.."

[tarquin finley ellis]

At least there was a smile. Faint, but it was still there regardless and that was enough. He listened but said nothing more, just pondering everything with more of a calm. At the knock he looked up, feeling the tight curl of Connor's fingers over his hand. He squeezed gently to reassure the male, watching as a doctor nudged Christy in. He saw the tears on her face and glanced down, not liking the thought of what the doctors might be doing. He let go of Connor's hand as Christy scampered over, and got up, moving to get the male a shirt and pants to hand to Connor.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor pulled her close, kissing the top of her head gently. "Owy," She whispered, touching his stomach. "I-it's okay.." He reassured, pulling the shirt on and tying it as it was offered, followed by jeans over bloodied boxers hiding his cuts.
Christy reached for a wing, her tail moving slowly, and Connor relaxed.