like a shadow on the wall | Connor

[tarquin finley ellis]

He had his arms around himself defensively, rocking slightly back and forth in slow motion, feeling like his insides were crumbling. He'd had such good control over this part, over the feelings. But with the chemicals from the injections bouncing around in his system he barely had any grasp over this. He hated it, hated the fact that Connor could even make him feel this way at all.

He flinched at the touch to his cheek, trying to steel himself as Connor was speaking, needing to pull himself together. He couldn't be this way. It was too much. He opened his eyes, trying to look at the male, and yet he could feel the tear starting to slide down his face and he quickly covered his face with his hands; feeling weak and pathetic. He hissed at being so emotional, fisting his hands in his hair and pulling at it, feeling some of it rip free in his hands. Quinn didn't want to fall apart like this. He couldn't stand it, couldn't stand himself.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor paced unsteadily, grumbling under his breath in his rage. Casting a glance at Quinn, he froze. "Don't cr-ry..don't cry..." He mumbled desperately, rubbing at his face and reaching out. But last time, Quinn had just flinched. He turned away, catching himself on the wall as he drew in quick breaths and finally slid to the floor, gripping his head. It was too much, he couldn't handle it..

[tarquin finley ellis]

He just curled more into himself at Connor's words; more flustered and hurt just by hearing it being voiced. Quinn didn't cry. It's not how things went, not how he dealt with things. No, no... no. His mind was hazy, his throat dry and itching. Suddenly everything seemed to itch, and he was clawing at his skin, making red marks in the flesh as his nails dug in.

Quinn was shaking, and everything was making him dizzy. He didn't even realize how close to the edge of the bed that he'd gotten, not until he fell, crumpling to the floor. He was gasping a little, unable to get up or even move. His head was pounding, his eyes blurred. He felt drowsy and cold, and then his stomach started to ache. He was a mess and he knew it. He simply didn't know how to fix it.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor peered through the knot of hair and fingers, and drew his hands away, crawling towards the other male, grabbing at his hands so he wouldn't hurt himself. "Stop Quinn...sh-shh... They did this with their damn testing..i-it's their fault everyone here i-is so broken..." He hugged the crumpled male close, not caring if Quinn fought it or not as he sank bacl against the wall again and let his wings drape around them. He didn't know where their line stopped, somewhere between casual and a fling with some strings attached. But a part of his did care enough to realize this was the first time he'd ever seen Quinn break down.

[tarquin finley ellis]

Quinn couldn't fight Connor off right now if he wanted to, and the words bounced around in his head, stomach cramping and drawing another hiss from him. But he was aware enough to know he was being hugged close, to feel the brush of wings against his skin. He shivered, the warmth fading and making his body feel clammy. Part of him wanted to struggle and move away, but nothing would work the way he wanted it to, and it was hard keeping his eyes open and anything in his mind straight.

At least he was out a few seconds later, heat phazing in and out over him; not getting very hot, but dropping to almost cold when it faded. He wasn't out very long, and it couldn't have been much over twenty minutes even before his eyes were opening again. His stomach was still complaining, but at least the dizziness had mostly faded. Mostly Quinn felt wary and spent. There wasn't even enough ego in him at this point to force him to get up and leave. He just laid there, finally able to stare vacantly up at Connor.

[connor crayze sykes]

Once Quinn was asleep and still, Connor had a bit of a mental breakdown. And on top of the load of pills he had taoen, it was enough to leave him apathetic, emotionless. He stared blankly at the wall, his breaths shallow. Eventually Quinn woke up. Blood had dripped from Connor's nose and down his chin, drying since he had bareoy moved to try and brush it away, had barely noticed. Nose bleeds weren't new.
He stared distantly down at the male held in his arms, chest rising and falling swiftly before he looked at the wall again. He didn't want to feel. That pride going against his morals of submission, being hurt, it was apl too kuch. He was shutting down.

[tarquin finley ellis]

There were a few things that he noticed; the dried blood from Connor's nose, the emotionless expression from the male and shallow breathing... all this taken in and processed without a flicker in Quinn's own eyes. He wasn't sure how to feel about the fact that Connor was holding him still, or the things that had happened; things said and done. It was a lot to even think about, and Quinn was at the point where he didn't want to move, let alone deal with the past few hours. Everything had changed in a day. He'd fallen apart. Quinn didn't know he could break more then he had. He never saw it coming, did not have a clue that the injections could fuck with the chemicals in his brain to this extent.

And Connor didn't seem to be doing all that well over things either. Quinn was flustered over the changes in the male. It hadn't all been bad, but most of it had been a shock. Even if he had been normal enough himself, Quinn knew that Connor's reactions to things would have surprised him. Finally, feeling was starting to return more to his limbs, and he groaned as he struggled to get up. Quinn leaned against the wall for a moment after getting to his feet, and then he made his way to get a washcloth with warm water on it. He felt slightly dizzy from standing, but it didn't stop him from coming back and kneeling down to wipe at the dried blood on Connor's face. The whole process was pretty robotic on Quinn's end, but it wasn't as if it mattered anyway.

[connor crayze sykes]

Blue eyes flicked up when Quinn stood, and he watched vacantly as the other male left, then returned with a washcloth. He stared blankly at the carpet while his face was wiped of the crusted blood.
He had almost forgotten about it, too.
What couldn't be forgotten was how he had hit Quinn, screamed at him, made him cry.
That wasn't like Connor unless he was threatened... No, that was like Jon. He couldn't be like Jon.
But he /was/ wasn't he?
Connor's chest shuddered with a wavering breath, heart racing.
'Breathe...' He willed himself, finally shifting his weight. The rush of blood with the movement relaxed him, and he looked away distantly again.

[tarquin finley ellis]

Life was often strange and difficult. Things didn't always make sense. A lot of things didn't. People would live what they learned, even sometimes when they didn't want to, said they never would. It was some kind of twisted cycle. Quinn knows it, he's had to deal with realizing how very much like Amery he really was. And Quinn hated the man. For all the abuse Roman had to go through, all the ways Quinn had to pay for that in turn.. and now Roman was dead and Quinn wished Amery was too. But Roman had always defended Amery. It never made any sense. So much didn't.

Once the blood was wiped from Connor's face, Quinn set the washcloth aside and smoothed the hair away from the male's face. Quinn's features were blank as they could be as he let his gaze sweep over Connor; just looking. He never had put clothes back on the male, though that might be a good idea. Still, Quinn didn't budge to do that. Why bother at this point? There was a debate on tossing Connor in the tub to better wash the male, but Quinn was a bit spent. He didn't have a clue what to do, so he simply picked Connor up and set the male on the bed, sitting at the edge and staring at the wall in silence.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor met the blank gaze just the sake, just a shell, numb and frozen with confusion, maddness. He didn't even react as he was lifted, just curled on his side when his body met the bed. Glazed eyes fixed back on the wall again, his breathing returning to its faint rise and fall once more.

His wings draped carelessly where they had fallen when he was set down, one arm hanging off the bed, the other limp across his thin chest.
And Connor just laid there, the only sign being his occasionally rugged breathing.
This place was pushing him past broken, pushing him towards a dangerous ledge with no way to turn back. The problem was, these injections, and what had happened the past few hours had caused him to lose his balance, teeter on the edge.
And now he was falling.

[tarquin finley ellis]

Some people were on the edge, some fell. Quinn figured he was hang gliding in a downward spiral most days. Today he felt as though he was already half dead on the pavement, waiting to be scraped off. He didn't have a single idea what to do right now. Nothing really made sense, and he didn't know what to even say to break the silence. Who knew if a single word could make all of this worse? And Quinn simply did not have the energy to go anywhere right now. There was a continuing ache in his stomach, but mostly he just felt sick. His stomach was constantly turning in these minutes he sat here, eyeing the wall.

Not even Connor bothere to do much more then breathe. Not that Quinn could blame the male for it or expect anything more. He couldn't. Quinn could barely function as it was. Asking that of Connor wasn't going to happen. Everything felt hopeless. After a little while, Quinn moved to lay down next to the male, just reaching out idly to run a hand over Connor's skin. There wasn't anything in the touch; not want or emotion.. there was a little heat, but that was it. Quinn didn't even think about it.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor didn't move at the touch, continuing to breathe slowly. And then even that stopped momentarily as he drew in a breath and held it, lost in thought before it escaped his lips finally.
He didn't say anything, his mind wasn't even there, he wasn't even aware of Quinn's hand tracing over skin and bone. Comatose in many ways.
Nothing was reality, because reality hurt too much.

But the longer he laid there, the less and less aware he became of his surroundings.

[tarquin finley ellis]

His hand just moved randomly over Connor, not thinking about it or anything. Quinn barely registered the fact that the male had stopped breathing for a moment, pausing long enough to look and wait for it. Once it started again, Quinn's attention was gone; lost in his own little world. Quite a dark and dreary place to be, but right now it was all he had. Connor wasn't even here, that much was obvious. There was no sense in trying to snap the male out of it either.

Eventually Quinn got up, more so going through the motions rather then knowing what he was doing. It was the hunger that had pushed him to get up and finally stumble out the door. He was probably gone for an hour -- maybe, he wasn't looking at clocks or anything -- and trying to find food to eat and stuffing his face. Quinn wasn't feeling good when he found himself back in Connor's room. He didn't have a clue why he had gone back. No idea at all. He just seemed to gravitate that way. And then stare blankly at Connor. Not creepy at all.....

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor only noticed Quinn was gone when the door closed. He stared off awhile more, mind blank, closed off to his thoughts. Eve nudged at the thin hand hanging off the bed, and he twitched, shuddering. He coughed huskily, those feelings overwhelming as he rubbed at his face, getting sick over the edge of the bed.
Tears fell as he curled up, shaking and sobbing until his body tensed.

It wasn't a common thing for Connor to seize. Maybe it was the pressure, and the fact that he'd stopped taking his medication so suddenly, that his body was still starving. But it wasn't long before Connor was on the floor convulsing, eyes flying open, glazzy and unseeing as he twitched.

Quinn had come in and Connor arched sharply, feathers fluttering as the seizing increased and he gasped for breath. Eventually he stilled, staring at the ceiling, the sudden relax in muscles leaving him shaking and..with no control over his bladder. He sobbed, unaware Quinn was there.

[tarquin finley ellis]

It actually took him a moment to even realize what was happening. When it occured to him what he had witnessed, it shook him out of the vacant state he'd been in. It did not take long for Quinn to move at that point, going to Connor's side and gathering the male in his arms and out of the mess. "Shh, Angel... I've got you." The words were soft, and he wanted to tell Connor that everything would be okay, but Quinn simply did not know if that was true at all. He didn't want to say it if it wasn't. He tried to smooth downt he feathers a little, not quite sure what to really do next.

But he decided to take the only valid option he really had at this point, considering all that had happened. Part of him didn't want to do this for primal reasons, but Quinn brushed that away and lifted Connor, keeping the male close to his chest as he made his way to the bathroom. He was careful holding Connor and going to turn on the bathwater at the same time. He made sure it was warm enough, then wiggled out of his pajama bottoms before stepping into the tub with Connor and sitting back, holding the male with one arm while reaching for a washcloth to start washing lightly, slowly over Connor with it.